being single: a post for michelle.
My friend Michelle sent a text asking for a message about how I ‘deal’ with being single during this time in my life. Here is my response:
My dear Michelle,
I have to admit that my dating ‘track-record’ has not been so clean. My need for the comfort of relationship really took off in high school to be a mess. I dated a guy for two years and jumped around in relationships a bit before and after that boy.
My choice to remain single for these last four years has been a mixture of choice and circumstance. I have struggled alot in honesty with independence, self-appreciation, and respect- and I think some of those rooted issues are a result of the choices I made in relationships previously. I chose to devote the passion of my passion to my Jesus during freshman year of college. I have never regretted that, though God has taken that and tested and challenged it in my life.
What happened in me during freshman year was a newfound freedom. I discovered that there is really nothing like being single. There is no other time in life when God can so much use all of who I am as an instrument of peace. As a single person, I had the opportunity to use ALL of me to bring glory to His name, and to bear His name to the world.
I still remember sitting by the lakes one night- it was super late. I think I must have had a pretty bad day, and I was just crying on one of those swinging park benches. I had just listened to this David Crowder song that sang,
“I’m so bored of little gods
While standing on the edge of
Something large
While standing here, so close to You
We could be consumed
What a glorious day
I give up, I lay down
Rest my face upon this ground
Lift my eyes to Your sky
Rid my heart of all I hide
So sweet this surrender
How great Your love for us
How great our love for You
That grace could cover us
How great Your love”
and as I listened to those lyrics about these ‘gods’ I create in my life (dating, relationships, etc.), I realized that I was selling myself short. There was something big that God was planning for my life and for a second sitting on that bench I could feel it and I embraced it.
I don’t understand why some of us are more ‘in-tune’ to the need to be loved by a man or a woman. I mean, I understand it, but I don’t believe that it’s necessary for me to be whole. Don’t get me wrong; there are nights after watching a romance or running into an old boyfriend that I cry in the pillow and ask God why I have to wait…but generally, there is peace in my soul. I know that it is not my time. I know that this moment in my life is a moment for just me and God, just me and Him working together and no one else. I know that if I were to pursue a man at this time, I would be missing a piece of the puzzle God is patiently allowing me to figure out.
What I’ve really discovered is that my love life does exist; it just looks a little different. It is surrendured to Christ’s control and that doesn’t make it any less lovely. I am not worried that the right guy is not ‘out there.’ I am not worried about ‘timing,’ because that is not my focus.
I do get lonely. Sometimes to the point that I think no one else can understand what I’m feeling, but then I remember that I’m one of many who are waiting for His voice to lead them towards the right future. So for my loneliness, I pray…Lord, Your strength. And for my temptation to self-pity, Lord, Your strength. For my longings of the heart, Lord, Your strength.
And I know Jesus knew loneliness in its most poignant forms. That makes it a little easier for me to trust Him with it all. I want to be loved. Nothing unusual about that. But I have an honest-to-God “fixed heart.”
He gives all.
He asks all.
Hope that can encourage you.
into something beautiful.
Today is supposed to be special, I think. Like I’m awaiting some great feeling that will come upon me as I pull onto Highway 61 and drive away. I realized this morning how entirely human I am; more in need of grace than I could ever know. What I thought would give me closure has only made me less at peace and I am discovering that this need to leave it all behind geographically will not be easy or comfortable. I’ve been prayed over with the name of Ruth- being thrown into a position of responsibility and movement that is scary and enormous to bear. She was faithful. She followed God’s leading and was faithful to her mother through the most difficult circumstances. I feel like I know her, in some way, like I can relate to her and feel that pressure that must have tightened her jaw as she said, “My people will be your people….my God will be your God.”
It seems like God desires to see us really back words with action.
I can’t show Him that I’ll follow Him unless I really do follow Him, literally.
And how can I truly hear His voice if I’m not really listening.
GOD:
I have You to guide me, would You guide me?
It is really all about You, God. The life I am giving is for You.
Nothing on my own can save me, can make me. I offer all of me, and it still seems so little. Take more than I have to offer. I am giving You my future, leaving what I know to face a commitment that is foreign and unclear. I am giving You the comforts of the familiar; the faces and stories that have written the pages on my life up until now. They are rightfully Yours, You purchased me and I willingly desire to fulfill my vow to those promises.
You work in the midst of seasons of doubt and imperfection, You work in me because You love me. You, God of all things, desire me! And I feel the same way about You, so much that I want Your voice to be the ONE that speaks into my life. God, I want so much to feel Your heartbeat, to bleed with You. I want Your precious burden on my life.
Tomorrow, I will begin the process of really backing months of words up with action. I will start to learn what it means to really trust- to lose myself in finding You. I will find hope in this process of refinement, because I know that it will develop into something beautiful.
